Confusion

I am so confused today. I want to be near him. I want to feel him. I want to see him. But every time I start getting swallowed up by it.... something happens and I go numb.

Am I stopping myself from feeling these things, or is something stopping me?

I want to believe that he is trying to protect me. That somehow he has found a way to keep me from the worst of this pain. But, I have to be realistic. What good will it do me to dream right now. The truth is probably that I have tried so hard to be strong, I am now having trouble breaking through my own barriers.

I guess that is another process in this living hell. Learning how to feel again.

But I long for just one moment.... No I long for my life back, my other half, my soul mate. Not for just a moment, but for ever. I would not complain for anything. Honey, if you can hear me, please....

I was noticing today how desperate I was for things to move on, then at the same instant, I wanted them to stop. Moving on means hopefully feeling again... but every second of every day I get further and further away from him.

He stopped in time. Now time is sweeping me away from him and I can't stop it. I am stuck at this crossroad, desperate to move, desperate to stay.

I know he would want me to go forward... but he did not ever imagine this pain. He could not have even begun to understand how hard it is to lose everything.

I want to yell at him, but every time I think of what to say all that comes out is please come back to me. How selfish of me.... to ask for the one thing he cannot do. To beg for the one thing I can never have.

I guess tonight I will just put this out there:

Malcolm, I love you.
Malcolm, I miss you.
I hope you are happy.
I hope you are not sick anymore.
I will try to be well.
I will try to make you proud.
My love.... my heart is breaking and I need you to come home,
But I will find a way.