Alone in a crowd

As time passes, I realize that everything and everyone must get back to "real life".

I don't have a real life anymore and I don't know how to get one. All I want is to rewind the last month. Start over and change the ending. Have him back in my arms and hold on tight. Make him stay home from work. Stay here and not go on my trip. Just hold on to him. Kiss him and smell his hair. Feel his strong hands.

If I could only just once feel his warm feet cuddling with mine.

But I can't. I want to stop the world. I want to stop my life and just wait until I can be with him again. Nothing makes sense. I want to run to my best friend and tell him how sad I am. I want him to make it all better, the way he always does. But he can't. He will never be able to make it all right again.

I lost half of myself... maybe more than that. My heart aches for him. I don't want to eat, I don't want to sleep. I don't want to breathe..... but I will. That is what he would want. He would want me to move on with my life.

How would he handle these things? I don't know, but I would never want to see him have to. I finally found one upside... he will never have to feel this endless, all encompassing sorrow.

Everyone I know and love is trying so hard to help. They are the most dear people in the world and they are giving me so much support. I wish I could show them how much it means to me. But even in their kindness, I feel so alone.

I have to start making decisions. I have to start cleaning things up. Not only literally... flowers and food. I have to also start thinking about the future. Finances, Insurance, House. I have to start deciding where I am going and when.

It is just that all I want to do is curl up and .... I don't want to say it because it would hurt him.

Malcolm if you are listening.... please help me.