Confusion

I am so confused today. I want to be near him. I want to feel him. I want to see him. But every time I start getting swallowed up by it.... something happens and I go numb.

Am I stopping myself from feeling these things, or is something stopping me?

I want to believe that he is trying to protect me. That somehow he has found a way to keep me from the worst of this pain. But, I have to be realistic. What good will it do me to dream right now. The truth is probably that I have tried so hard to be strong, I am now having trouble breaking through my own barriers.

I guess that is another process in this living hell. Learning how to feel again.

But I long for just one moment.... No I long for my life back, my other half, my soul mate. Not for just a moment, but for ever. I would not complain for anything. Honey, if you can hear me, please....

I was noticing today how desperate I was for things to move on, then at the same instant, I wanted them to stop. Moving on means hopefully feeling again... but every second of every day I get further and further away from him.

He stopped in time. Now time is sweeping me away from him and I can't stop it. I am stuck at this crossroad, desperate to move, desperate to stay.

I know he would want me to go forward... but he did not ever imagine this pain. He could not have even begun to understand how hard it is to lose everything.

I want to yell at him, but every time I think of what to say all that comes out is please come back to me. How selfish of me.... to ask for the one thing he cannot do. To beg for the one thing I can never have.

I guess tonight I will just put this out there:

Malcolm, I love you.
Malcolm, I miss you.
I hope you are happy.
I hope you are not sick anymore.
I will try to be well.
I will try to make you proud.
My love.... my heart is breaking and I need you to come home,
But I will find a way.

Alone in a crowd

As time passes, I realize that everything and everyone must get back to "real life".

I don't have a real life anymore and I don't know how to get one. All I want is to rewind the last month. Start over and change the ending. Have him back in my arms and hold on tight. Make him stay home from work. Stay here and not go on my trip. Just hold on to him. Kiss him and smell his hair. Feel his strong hands.

If I could only just once feel his warm feet cuddling with mine.

But I can't. I want to stop the world. I want to stop my life and just wait until I can be with him again. Nothing makes sense. I want to run to my best friend and tell him how sad I am. I want him to make it all better, the way he always does. But he can't. He will never be able to make it all right again.

I lost half of myself... maybe more than that. My heart aches for him. I don't want to eat, I don't want to sleep. I don't want to breathe..... but I will. That is what he would want. He would want me to move on with my life.

How would he handle these things? I don't know, but I would never want to see him have to. I finally found one upside... he will never have to feel this endless, all encompassing sorrow.

Everyone I know and love is trying so hard to help. They are the most dear people in the world and they are giving me so much support. I wish I could show them how much it means to me. But even in their kindness, I feel so alone.

I have to start making decisions. I have to start cleaning things up. Not only literally... flowers and food. I have to also start thinking about the future. Finances, Insurance, House. I have to start deciding where I am going and when.

It is just that all I want to do is curl up and .... I don't want to say it because it would hurt him.

Malcolm if you are listening.... please help me.

Today

Today, he has been gone for over a week. Most everyone is on their way home. I am sitting in my house trying to break my head and find a way to make every memory vivid.

I had no idea that when I left on my trip on the 13th, I would never see him again. I had no idea that when I spoke to him that Friday, I would never hear him again.

Today, I am lost. Today, my world has crumbled. Today, I can't see a tomorrow.

The house is cold, but I can see him everywhere.... well, maybe only feel him.

His Dad and one of his friend/brother brought him home on Friday. I put him in his office and I go in there and touch... I am not sure what I am touching, but it is all I have left.

I keep going through the house and looking for things that smell like him. I keep trying to remember pictures, or videos, or anything. I need to hold on to him.

Why can't he come back?? Why did he leave me? I can't do this. I can't take this emptiness. I need to feel his hand in mine, his arms around me, his lips, his hair, HIM.

But that is not going to happen. I will never hold him again.

So the journey begins.... One step at a time I will in his words "get up every morning and do what I have to do, because I have to". I will take care of our pups. I will pick up the pieces of our life and rebuild them into a new life that he would be proud of.

I will do honor to the wonderful man I had the privilege to call husband, best friend, love.